*UPDATE* MONDAY MARCH 26/12

                                                               I DECLARE WAR!

  In this issue of the Letter, I declare war upon certain things/factions/idiots that reoccur in my life.  Perhaps (and it is only a slight chance) my eternal complaining could indeed change the said issue and have it cease to come back.  But in the more likely scenario, it will likely change nothing.  I often try to promote truth, peace and awareness with my column.  Today though, I create havoc.  Ready the cannons.


Also in this issue:

"Hunger Games"  Movie Review
"Scions of Shannara" Review
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The Scions of Shannara


  We've covered the quest for the legendary sword, witnessed the rebirth of the magical tree, and destroyed the book that manipulated the world's very face.  Generations later, we find ourselves once again in the Four Lands, with a very different reality.  The History of Shannara is that...History.  We jump into the world many years later, with the Ohmsford family still connected.  The story now is tied not to one, but four members of the Ohmsford bloodline.  Par and Coll, two brothers directly descended from the line, both have very different roles.  Par still has some use of Jair's wishsong ability, and uses it to paint images about his families history as entertainment, while Coll does the narrating.  The story also focuses on Wren Ohmsford, a cousin of Par and Coll, who's prominent Elven features are a mystery, along with her past.  Lastly is Walker Boh, who remains one of my favorite characters from all the books. He is a dark, embattled enigma who would remain shut away from the world.  While each book had it's own story before, the Heritage of Shannara series is one large story comprised of four books.  (These would be the Scions of Shannara, the Druid of Shannara, The Elf Queen of Shannara and the Talismans of Shannara.)

  The story begins as the members of the family are all summoned to the Hadeshorn by the shade of the long-since gone Allanon.  Each are charged with a certain task, each with great importance, which would forever change the Four Lands.  While the evil of the Ildatch was disposed of, remnants of dark magic have manifested themselves into creatures, and these abominations of magic are known as Shadowen.  Par is charged with recovering the Sword of Shannara, while Wren is to find the missing Elves of the Westland, and Walker Boh is to resurrect the Druid's Keep and restore the Druids.  If you've read the book, you'll see the enormity of what is asked. 

 Altogether, this book leads into a fantastic series that is incredibly indepth, and it is well worth the read.  Brooks shows his continual improvement as a writer and creates so many new things in a very old world, providing both beloved familiarity and young fascination with the unexplored.

Read these books, dammit.

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Hunger Games Review

  I found myself in the Imax theatre on Saturday, trying to decide if I'm going to like this movie.  Seems like lately the world has been infatuated with things that confuse me.  I have not read the books, but I have the plotline explained to me.  If you don't want a very vague spoiler...do not read this review. 

 Apparently, and the details are left out, 24 youth are selected each year for a Fight to the Death competition, leaving the victor with prestige, glory, and food for their own division in society. Credit must be given to the writer as it constantly reminded me of Richard Connell's short story, "The Most Dangerous Game".  I found myself picking out similarities between the two quite often.

 Obviously there are some ethics problems.  The concept can be gruesome enough, but having kids from ages 12-18 doing the fighting seems almost ridiculous.  Yet the movie does it relatively tastefully if we can call it that, and it seems apparent that the moviemaking department took great care in the presentation.  At one point, I thought it was weird that the protagonist was not playing a large enough role in taking some of these other competitors out.  It was at that moment I realized my concept of social structure indeed had changed as I was so willing to accept the drastic new changes suggested in the movie.  Survival is natural and takes over social etiquette with this type of anarchy.

  As with many stories, I imagine the book was much better, and I'm sure many of the readers will agree.  There's no way it couldn't be.  Yet for one such as myself who has not read it, I found the movie very intriguing and contemplative.  Definitely worth the watch, but readers beware.

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  War Be Upon Thee...

  Join me as I take up arms against enemies that are not so traditional!  Fight with me, and I will gladly fight alongside you in battles that you deem worthy.  Also, please feel free to leave thoughts/comments/unmentioned enemies either here or on my facebook page, and I will gladly include them in the next column if I get enough response.   Fight well my friends, and May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor may you be victorious!

I Declare War Upon:

SNOW! - While you have been an enemy only recently, I am fed up with your large quantities and the fact you only come around during winter.  Why don't you come out for Stampede, cool us off on a warm day?  Your annoyance on a cold windy day leads me to assume that you are asking for me to punch every single snowflake in the face.

MCDONALDS - Over the course of my life I have ingested many of your menu items, and now that I'm eating healthier and can say that I do not even crave you is a victory in itself.  However, you must be held accountable for a wrong that you have still to this day not been held accountable for: getting rid of the famous Orange Drink.  WTF were you thinking.  Oh and when you bring that back, bring back the damn pizza.

HAIR - It's bad enough when I got hair that is not located on my head.  Do you really need to leave my cat and find my nice Calvin Klein suit every time I take it off?

CHUCK LORRE - Creator of both Two and a Half Men and Big Bang Theory, among other shows.  Obviously he is a very creative writer so I shall not fault him for that...but I believe writing Big Bang Theory was a personal assault on me.  If you look at his main characters...Leonard, Sheldon, Howard and Rajesh, their flaws are, respectively, thus.   Short, Smartass, Thinks he is funnier than he really is, and can't speak to women.  Thank you so much Mr. Lorre, for pointing out in a TV series everything that I am.

KITTY LITTER - YOU STINK

RISK - While I love the game, I hate how if your attacking you have to use two dice if you have three people.  Yes, I understand the reasoning, no you are still not forgiven.  Also, I do not believe that Greenland should be associated with North America.  It's done nothing for us.

MEN'S HEALTH MAGAZINE - You are a good read with tons of good workout and health advice.  But WHY do you insist on putting fragrance ads with these shirtless guys with mysterious looking backgrounds? No man will ever look at that and think, "Holy crap, if I spray on some Dolce and Gabbana, I'll get ripped so fricken fast!"  Put a fragrance ad that has a good looking girl with the words "If you smell good, you still have to do 200 sit-ups each day to lose that gut, fatty."

SCREAMING LITTLE KIDS - God gave me fists for a reason.

HEADPINS - Not the band.

BILLS - Monthly reminders that life can suck.

HUNGER GAMES - Doesn't have any reference to the true original hunger game, Hungry Hungry Hippos.

PUTTIES FROM POWER RANGERS - Nothing was more ineffective than the bad guys from Power Rangers.  Evil Rita would send in a batch of these clay baddies that she made with her easy bake oven every time before the monster showed up.  Why not just cook a big batch?  Better yet, make them run for congress.

KONY - What the hell is Kony?

REQUESTS - In my lifetime, I have no desire to play Farmville, Castleville, or any other crap people send me on facebook.

AMERICAN IDOL - Give it a rest.

LIKE-LIKES - Stop eating my damn shield...it costs a crapload of rupees to replace it and there is no shop in the middle of the fricken fire temple.

GAME SYSTEMS - Sure the graphics are better and gameplay more intense, but here's something.  Games back then were awesome.  My Xbox 360 just stopped reading my game, so I had to take it to best buy.  They sent it away and it was gone for 2 weeks.  If I didn't have the extended warranty, it would likely have been another large, gross bill.  Now I can play until it craps out again.    Ever have a game not read with a super nintendo?  Just blow on the cartridge and it worked again.  It's magic.

FRODO - No matter how hard I try, I cannot like him.  He's just a big Pansy.

RENTING - Would love to own my OWN place, but at this point in the road I can only afford to rent. If I met a real estate agent, he'd only be able to deal me something with the equivalent of Baltic or Mediterranean from Monopoly.  And then I'd hit luxury tax.


Thanks again for the visit, hope you all have a good week. Remember, if you guys have something to declare war on, let me know and we'll take a look!

Until next week,

Logan

*UPDATE* MONDAY MARCH 19/2012

                                Tune Me Out

  This week, I reflect on a truly amazing moment that I've had the pleasure of witnessing, as well as I review a couple of songs that I'm dangerously close to adding to the "Must Listen" list.  Perhaps the only thing stopping me from adding them is the fact that I haven't created that list yet.  Oh well.

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  Golden Moments:
   Ever have a moment where it literally makes you stop dead in your tracks?  It never seems to be a very large moment, just something small that strikes you as incredibly profound.  Well today I experienced a moment that did just that.  I needed to cross a small grassy patch on the way to work, and in this grassy patch was a worn-in path that I've traveled down many times.  So here I am, at 1:00 in the morning, traversing down the usual path, when I notice a small rabbit standing on the path, doing regular rabbit business.  Now, I am not a rabbit-ologist, but I think I get the bare essence of what they do.  They search for food, reproduce like crazy, and run like hell when scared, which is often the case.  Occasionally you can witness two rabbits fight, which is freaking HILARIOUS.  But that is the extent of Rabbithood. They don't do yoga, eat parfaits or fingerpaint. Boring.
    I start thinking about whether or not I should walk down the path, as I do not wish to disturb him.  Perhaps I will take a wide flank so we both can do our thing in peace.  At this moment I realize how pathetic I am being.  I am yielding to a little rodent who is not likely to live for another month.  So as I approach, Bunny does something I've never seen before.  He turns his back to me.  He watched me walking closer, and proceeded to completely ignore me.  He wasn't even pointing his ears back to listen to me.  So I make the decision to test him, we'll see how many meters he can last before giving in to instinct and taking off.   Ten Meters.  Nothing.  Five Meters.  Rabbit is sniffing the ground, bored.  Three Meters.  Rabbit looks around.  Two Meters.  Rabbit looks at me.  WTF.  You should have been long gone.  One Meter.  I am now looking down at the Rabbit.  He is looking up at me.  We have now connected in our moment and gaze at one another.  I look into the rabbit's eyes and see no fear.  After a long moment, I continue onward, marveling at the small timid creature who was so much more than that in this moment.
Kudos to you, Mr. Rabbit.  Bugs has nothing on you. 
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  Siren's Song.

  I have not had my best week.  Coupled with feeling sick the last few days, and just feeling a little low, I was just leaving lots of room for improvement in the coming week.  Some positives have occured though, such as a gentleman coming into the bowling centre who sounded EXACTLY like Davis from Corner Gas.  Down to the laugh.  It was incredible.  

  Also, two songs have worked their way into my life in the last couple days.  The first one is "Purple Sky" by Kid Rock.  Kid Rock? Yes Kid Rock.  Apart from the song "Lonely Road of Faith"  I would not put Kid Rock up on the top of my favorite singers.  Not even close.  Occasionally his songs can fit my mood if I feel like letting the rebel side go, but as that's not my style, normally his music will pass me by without a second look.  Yet, as "Purple Sky" played on the satellite radio at work, it became almost a hit favorite right away.   It's casual honesty was just perfect for my mood, and because it was very easy to listen to, it made me appreciate how Kid Rock is trying to vary in his music a little more. 

The Chorus definitely moved me, enough to bring it here.

"I just want to drink 'til I'm not thirsty,
I just want to sleep 'til I'm not tired,
I just want to drive 'til I run out of highway, into a Purple Sky."


As I write it, I just drift back into awe.  I feel like a message is resonating with me as I connect with the words.  I love how it's not about gaining, achieving, creating or striving.  In my low moment, I do not have to claim anything.  I can simply just be content with what I have right now, until the time of change arrives.  In a weird way, I love how the song is telling us "it's not about being good enough, rather just about having enough"  and I think it's helped me appreciate the fact that I'm doing alright. 




  If "Purple Sky" spoke to me at all this week, then it was nothing compared to this next piece.

 Artist Miranda Lambert is also not one of my favorite artists.  While I do enjoy a lot of country music, her songs usually are a little too raunchy for my liking.  She is very much her own person and that comes through in her music.  Now, I heard a song she released a couple years back for the first time this week, and it takes the messages from "Purple Sky" to an even more extreme level.  I've posted the entire set of lyrics here.


Miranda Lambert
"Heart Like Mine"




I ain’t the kind you take home to mama
I ain’t the kind to wear no ring
Somehow I always get stronger
When I’m on my second drink

Even though I hate to admit it
Sometimes I smoke cigarettes
Christian folks say I should quit it
I just smile and say “God bless”

‘Cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine
And I bet we’d get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet He’d understand a heart like mine

Daddy cried when he saw my tattoo
Said he’d love me anyway
My brother got the brains of the family
So I thought I’d learn to sing

‘Cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine
And I bet we’d get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet He’d understand a heart like mine

I’ll fly away
From it all one day
I’ll fly away

These are the days that I will remember
When my name’s called on the roll
He’ll meet me with two long-stemmed glasses
Make a toast to me coming home

‘Cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine
And I bet we’d get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet He’d understand a heart like mine

Lyrics posted from Cowboylyrics.com


I love how she delivers these already-powerful lyrics.  She brings them with an attitude that suggests she is both content with the person she is, and battling her demons at the same time.  She is resolute in the fact that she is good enough and at the same time, she is addressing the fact that she is yearning for Jesus' acceptance.  While I don't share the same religious views as her, I certainly can empathize with her points.  I live a life that sure is far from the holy pure one I could live, and I'd be lying if I was going to change it anytime soon in some regards.  Yet I too believe that despite my bad habits and the wrongs I've done in the past, while I may not deserve anything, I also could be understood one day at the very least. 




  Anyways that's enough rambling.  Hopefully this week finds you well and the music that accompanies your life is enjoyable and meaningful. 


Logan

*UPDATE* MARCH 12/2012

                           MIND THE GAP!            

  

    Yes you are seeing correctly.  This would be a child's birthday cake today at Chinook.  Cupcakes surround the outside of the cake, while a piece of fondant is sprinkled with colored candy and a few select...go carts.  Creativity has indeed reached a new peak, folks, as I present you the Rainbow Road birthday cake.   "What is rainbow road?"  You need to get out more.  In Mariokart games, Rainbow road is a ridiculously ridiculous course that seems to have too much color and not enough roadblocks, so the player spends too much time falling off the edge and not enough time actually racing.  In the picture above, the carts are indeed flying through the air, while racing around a giant King Boo.  Had I packed my extra large suitcase, it would have been the first time I indeed stole candy from a baby.  Or perhaps more accurately, road candy cupcakes from a six year old who wouldn't appreciate the true beauty of this art piece.  Relax Timmy, stop crying.  You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Also in this issue:

-Mind the Gaptooth-"Goon" featuring Sean William Scott is reviewed.

-Micromillions:  Mastermind or Mook?-Pokerstars' newest tournament attracts my teeny tiny online bankroll.  I unveil my strategy going into the series.

-Let Gord's light shine....I go toe to toe with an unknown adversary, and bestow upon him the Wrath of Gord.   
Hope you enjoy!
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Mind the Gaptooth:  Scott's new movie "Goon" is a surprise smash.  

 So I just return from work last Saturday, thinking I have just a nice quiet evening to chill and relax

and forget the day, when I receive a text from my buddy checking for a hangout.  While I am not really feeling the vibe of going out and partying, he throws the idea of catching a show out (which is different for him) so I change up and head out.  No surprise "Goon" is our target show for the evening as we are both hockey buffs, so tickets are bought, air hockey is played (table was broken so I didn't win.) and seats are now filled.
 

  "Goon" was based on a true life scenario revolving around Enforcer Doug Smith.  Sean William Scott plays Doug Glatt, (inspired from Smith's story) a big softie who can fight, but his skating sucks bigtime.  Here are some of the highlights.

  Actor Jay Baruchel both helped to write and perform in the movie "Goon".  A downside to the story is that a lot of Baruchel's comedy is not intended for a younger audience.  While kids wouldn't necessarily watch this show anyways, it still is unfortunate to have the show slightly dampened by the vulgarity.  On the flipside, Liev Schrieber (Salt) stars opposite Scott as Ross Rhea, a bigtime baddie who was sent down from the NHL in his final years after serving a 20 game suspension for taking a stick and whacking some guy in the back of the head.  This is where "Goon" shines.  The movie is not centered around the sport of hockey so much.  It more focuses on these "Goon" characters, who in the older days were big behemoth players whose sole purpose was to go and physically wear down the stars of the opposing team.  Skating prowess and shooting ability did not matter so much, it was solely about the size and dominance of the enforcer that secured his spot.  While the NHL is currently trying to wean these players out, enforcers are still key parts of the game.  Perhaps my big D-Man Douglas Murray should watch this show, and perhaps he could throw the Sharks back into the Playoff spots.  I'm not saying....I'm just saying.
 

  Liev Schrieber is amazing.  His role in this movie, while fun, was still relayed with such acting professionalism.  He played the role unbelievably.  He has one scene in a diner where he relates his story and woes to Scott's character, Glatt.  The wisdom he portrays is easily accepted as true, and looking at Liev, he seems to have those memories in his eyes.  Another credit to the writers is that they didn't make Schrieber's character a complete heel.  Ross Rhea is the antagonist, but at the same time, he has the feel of a good guy.      

  Allison Pill's performance is smaller, but satisfactory.  Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that she is much better looking in this show than in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.  Hard to say.

  Biggest surprise?  Doug Glatt is actually a nice guy.  It was so odd to see Scott William Scott in a nice role.  It was tough to imagine, but Scott pulls it off.  It was a successful role too, as the smallest things he does will win you over, such as refusing to step on the team logo with his skate.  In amongst the blood and tears, he does a supreme job shedding his former raunchy, rude credits (Stiffler, Wheeler, etc.) and donning a completely new, positive persona. Now, that being said, bring on the American Reunion.

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 Mastermind or Mook?

  I spend a lot of time around poker.  While my job certainly accounts for a lot of that time, I do like to dowse in a bit of reading and play as well.  I try to avoid online play when possible, as it tends to do more harm than good. 

  Poker is a game.  It involves luck.  It involves skill.  Those two factors do not waiver.  So many people believe it is all one way or another, but it is not true.  If I can decipher your actions so indepthly that I can pinpoint your cards down to the suit, I've all but eradicated the luck portion.  That being said, if you can only catch one of two cards to win in a deck of 52, it is not impossible. 
Poker is a river...you can only steer it.  If you try to control it, you will only capsize.  Ride it when it flows well, rest when the waters are still. 

  I have not played much lately.  I am taking more financially responsible steps lately (or trying anyway)  and do not have a bankroll.  Sure, if I wanted I could sit into a game with no bankroll, but that's no good.  So I'm carrying on my usual playless day when an email comes in from Pokerstars.  Apparently starting Friday they have a new series of events that are all micros.  You can buy in for tournaments as low as eleven cents, and the payoffs are going to be much larger than a standard tournament.  At this point, my account is riding on bones.  I have only got around $100 dollars to my name there, so this will provide me many chances of scoring a nice payday.  For instance, the prize pool in the 11 cent tournament is $25,000.  The largest event, price tag is $22, pays over $150,000 to first with a 1,000,000 prize pool!  So this tournament will be seeing a lot of me.

  While the events are soooo juicy, I do not play a ton of hold'em online.  This tournament will draw tons of people, and the straight fact is, most of these players do not know squat about the game.  This actually gives them an advantage.  They make a dumb move that the better players do not anticipate because it is a ludicrous play and it could send the pro to the rail at any moment.  But here's the beauty.  They have some mixed games as well, including my favorite game,  PLO8.  Pot Limit Omaha with an 8 or better split.  Rather than conventional hold'em, Omaha gives you four cards, but you must play two and only two.  In hold'em, if four diamonds land on your board, and you have the ace of diamonds, you got the biggest flush possible.  If you have the ace of diamonds and three black cards in Omaha, and four diamonds come, you do not have the flush.  You MUST use two of your cards.  Not only that, but Eight-Or-Better split adds another weird twist.  You are not only trying to get the best five card hand, but the worst five card hand as well.  So many people avoid this game because of the complexity, and the amateurs that play it are well liked because the theory is so tricky that they often ship money to bigger players faster than Fedex.  Most of my success comes from PLO8, so I will be definitely playing that one. 

 I will be keeping a spreadsheet of how I do, where I place, any potential earnings, etc.  You will find it on here when I include a new post.  Good luck to all my friends playing as well.  Hee haw.

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The Book of Disciples:  Wherein the Gord inspires Logan.

 I posted a story on my facebook page a while ago about an idiot that phoned me at work and his lack of IQ managed to corner me.  I got tons of reviews and feedback about it, and it was received well. 
I received a request just before that from a bowler I've known for years that I should chronicle the idiots I run across in my jobs.  While this a) gives the idiot too much credit and b) is too much work and a potential liability, sometimes it is worth writing about. 

  In my high school days, I got a tip to visit a website in my tech. class.  This tip lead to the usual path of no homework being done, time wasted, and a large amount of unconventional wisdom.  www.actsofgord.com is forever a favorite.  Yes, it is meant as a play of words on "Acts of God".  

No offense meant.

  "The Gord" is a former video game store owner, and has chronicled his stories of idiot customers, weird events, and cherished memories.  By all means, check it out.  It is well worth the read, even more so if you are familiar with Video Games. Here is my story:

  I was at work yet again (a theme in my life) and a group is bowling on friday night. I have not been feeling well that day, and my frustration was at a "Moderate" level, or yellow if you go camping and only know the word moderate through the fire danger signs.   While the Gord is long gone...and missed...I am inspired to this day with his customer service abilities.  His phrase "Door's to your left" awakes me in my sleep.  So there I am, spraying shoes, when I am alerted by the crashing of balls on the lane.  I look up to see two twits throwing multiple balls at a lane that is turned off.  While my cohort begins to type a message to their screen, I have taken action.

 Grabbing the microphone, which instantly elevates my voice louder than theirs, I ask them to stop throwing balls because their lane is turned off.  True, it was turned off BECAUSE they were idiots, but seeing as how they have had a couple of boozies, no need to get technical.  I omitted the information about how they could blow the sensor, or damage something else equally as expensive. 

  Thing 1 and Thing 2 decide I was not talking to them, and proceed to return firing at the dead lane. 
I have had enough.  Normally, I am slightly more patient, but I'm sick, they are stupid, and enough is enough.  Back to the microphone!
"HEY! DON'T MAKE ME PHYSICALLY REMOVE YOU!"

Now I've got the attention of everybody.  Seems like I've embarrassed these two.

Success!  The renegade bowling has stopped.  They are now silent as they rejoin their group and take off the bowling shoes.  My coworker has not said anything, but I figure if I'm to be disciplined, I'd gladly receive it for a win, not a loss. 
Things 1 and 2 come to the counter with their shoes, put them on the counter.  Then, to my disbelief, formed words start coming from their mouths.
Thing 1:  "Yo man, what wuzzat?  You got sumthin to say?"
Oh the window of opportunity.  I wish we weren't inside so the clouds could part for this one.
"Yes, as a matter of fact.  Doors to your left."
Thing 1: "What choo say???."

Logan:  "I made it as clear as possible.  Get lost."

"Yo man, you can't say that to me.  You know who I am? You wanna find out?."
"New plan, get the hell out. Now."

Thing 2 comes up now. 
Thing 1: "Come on, you gonna throw me out?"
Logan: "I would love to, but I already told security they could."
Thing 2: "Go ahead, call security."
*Blink Blink*
Logan: "Uhh...if you want me to I gladly will.  Or you could get the hell out of my bowling centre. Your call."

At this point, Thing 2 starts telling my cohort about how I should "watch it." 
While my cohort is indeed my superior, he has been silent until now. 
Cohort: "Well, he did tell you to stop nicely, we ..."

Thing 2: "I don't care..He still better watch himself."

Thing 1-to Me: "Bring it on."

Ever see a dog's ears perk up when food is poured into it's bowl?  That was similar to my reaction.
Apparently skinny dweeb wasn't expecting me to rise to the challenge. 
Thing 1 and Thing 2 leave, still telling me to watch it. 

 Apparently the alcohol has created something that I cannot see, because I'm evidently still failing to watch what I'm supposed to be watching.
They leave the center, still pointing at me through the glass door, mouthing words which I assume were either "watch it" (creative) or crotch-itch.  Either way, I figure now that they are gone and the powder keg has failed to ignite, time to resume being professional from my momentary lapse.
Or maybe not.  I was never good with temptation. 
The last thing they saw as they left was me at the counter, with the biggest smile I could possibly muster on my face.  Good riddance, buttheads.
Now...where was the rest of the group? Oh yeah, handing in their shoes, all untied, apologizing for their friends, who were in danger of not getting a ride home.  I love happy endings.
Still no word from dillholes...if anyone has figured out what I'm supposed to be watching, please inform me at once.

Dear Gord....I love you.  

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That is all for today guys.  Have a great week, sleep well, and watch it.

Logan